This Is How We Ritchies Roll: 2008

Things My Kids Say That Crack Me Up

Mommy: What role did you get cast in for the Sunday School Christmas play, Shelby?
Shelby (5): An angel!
Mommy: *snorts* Well, THAT was miscast, wasn't it!? Ha ha!
Shelby: I'll be a great angel!!
Mommy: Ha! You're anything BUT!
Shelby: Why are you calling me a BUTT, Mommy?!??
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Mommy: That is NOT how princesses behave, Shelby!
Shelby (5): Mommy, I like to toot and I like to burp, which means I can't be a princess anyway.
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Daddy: (Talking about the importance of getting married)
Mommy: Connor, that means you'll have to find a giiiirrrrllllfriend first!
Connor (10): (grimaces)
Noah (8): That's okay, Connor can just be a hobo.
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Shelby (5): How do I get to outer space?
Mommy: You either have to be an astronaut or really really rich.
Shelby: Well, I have lots of quarters in my piggy bank!
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Daddy (chastising kids for arguing about whose donut had the most sprinkles): That's a sure way to be unhappy - to be envious and comparing what you have to others.
Shelby (4) (very contritely): You're right, Daddy. That is NOT our future. That is our past.
Mommy & Daddy: (mouths gaping open)
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Connor (9) (discussing math with Mark)
Noah (7) (helpfully piping up): BALONEY PLUS BALONEY ALWAYS EQUALS BALONEY!!
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Shelby (4): I'm naming my new puppy "Baby Bubble Bath Blue Yellow Brown Loves!"
Mommy (rolling eyes): That's too long, Shelby!
Shelby: Okay, I'll call her "Baby Bubble Bath Blue Yellow" for short, then.
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Connor (9) (instructing Noah & Shelby): Mammals have HAIR, Noah! People are mammals.
Shelby (4): But then what is Daddy? He doesn't have any hair.
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Noah (7): Mommy! Shelby is chewing with her mouth open AGAIN! And if she keeps doing that no one will ever want to marry her!!
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Shelby(4): (kisses Noah)
Noah (7): Ewww! I hate kisses!
Shelby(4): But Noah! If you don't like kissing you can't get married!
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Shelby (4): (a random proclamation one morning) New York is not dangerous. We don't have tornadoes and we don't have zombies. We are at peace.
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Mommy: (attempting a teaching moment while watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid) Noah, when all the kids are yelling and say Fight! Fight! Fight! what should YOU do?
Noah (7): I'd stand there and yell "Un-Fight! Un-Fight! Un-Fight!"
Mommy: Connor, what are we going to do with your brother??
Connor (9): (without missing a beat) Send him to a foster home.
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Kimberly (17 yo cousin): Do you like my slippers? They're from Snooki's collection!
Noah (7): You mean Snoopy??
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Mommy: (speaking to my kid gang) You guys are going to a new Bounce House in a town called Baldwinsville today.
Noah (7): BALDwinsville! Does that mean everybody that lives there is BALD??
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Mommy: (listening to the GoGos in the car) Shelby, did you like that song?
Shelby (4): Yes, Mommy, but I don't know the words. But I do know the girls singers got the beat.
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Mommy: Noah, I'm still going to squeeze and kiss you even when you're big and taller than me.
Noah (7): And I'll be hairy, too!
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Noah (7): When you blow your nose you can't squeeze it too hard because then your boogies can't come out.
Shelby (4): But you have to squeeze your nose so you don't smell stinky things!
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Mommy: (sporting a new, two stumpy ponytails hairstyle)
Connor (9): Mommy! You look freaky!
Mommy: (GLARES AT CONNOR)
Connor: Ummm, I mean, you look freaky AWESOME!
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Noah (7): Daddy, I want macaroni & cheese!
Mommy: Excuse me! You are NOT going to get any macaroni and cheese until you say please and until you go give Daddy a hug and kiss and tell him he's the best Daddy in the world.
Shelby (4): (piping up) But daddy is a very bad driver.
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Noah (7): (at the zoo, looking at Noah's favorite animal zoo display) Woohoo! I just LOVE the Naked Mole Rats!
Connor (9): That's only because their name has the word NAKED in it, Noah!
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Mark: (discussing the need to pooper scoop the backyard before the kids can go outside to play)
Noah (7): Daddy is a MIGHTY smeller! He can smell poop from anywhere!
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Mommy: So, Connor, tell me about your two middle school pen pals.
Connor (9): They're one boy and one girl.
Noah (7) (chiming in): Their names are WONDERBOY and WONDERGIRL?!?! Ha ha ha!
Connor: NO!!!!! One BOY and one GIRL!
Mommy: What are their NAMES, Connor?
Connor: Ashley and Logan.
Mommy: Is Ashley a boy or a girl?
Connor (VERY annoyed by now): DUH MOMMY!!! A GIRL!!!
Mommy: Well, sometimes boys are named Ashley!
Connor: *snorts* Maybe in FRANCE!

...and later on...
Estelle: Haven't you ever heard of a guy named Ashley?
Mark: NO.
Estelle: Well, George Hamilton named his son Ashley. (and don't ask me how I know this stupid piece of trivia)
Mark: (rolls eyes and looks sarcastically at me)
Estelle: SHUT UP!
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Mommy: (ordering water for everybody at a restaurant)
Connor (9): Why can't I ever order a beer?!?!?
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Connor (9): (trying to finagle a way to say a bad word) FINE! Can I swear if we're hit by a natural disaster, then?!?!?

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Mommy: Shelby, please show Grandma where we keep our snacks.
Shelby (4): I keep snacks in my mouth.

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Noah (6): So, is it only large ladies that have babies?

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Connor (8): Daddy, wouldn't it be neat if our eyes had built-in binoculars?
Daddy: Yup! What would you want to look at?
Connor: It'd be handy for watching your girlfriend from far away and make sure she doesn't talk to other boys.
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Mommy (yelling at Connor and Noah): Boys! You are NOT allowed to touch each other!! Stop it!!
Noah: Okay, but Mommy, can I touch myself??
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Connor (8): (after an afternoon of learning about physics with Mark) Mommy, you really need to care about electrons!!
Mommy: No, I don't care about electrons. But why do I need to?
Connor: Because your MAKEUP is made up of electrons!
~ yup, the kid knows what's important to me! ~
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Shelby (4): Mommy, can I please have two bananas?
Mommy: No, you can't have two bananas! You can have one.
Shelby: But why? I have two arms!!
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Noah (6) (after observing the ripped-off-the-wall toilet paper holder that *I* did to make way for a new one, leaving the wall peeling and with a big hole): MOMMY! Something VERY VERY terrible has happened in the bathroom! You have to come look!
Noah: No, but wait! Don't look! I didn't do it! Really, it wasn't me! You can't blame me! You have to believe me!
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Noah (6) (very indignantly): Mommy! None of my dreams ever come true!
Mommy: Awww, Noah, I'm sorry about that! So, what ARE your dreams?
Noah: I want video games falling from the sky to me. (takes a moment to think hard) And chocolate cake, too! And those dreams are NOT coming true and I'm getting very angry about that!
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Shelby (3): (after getting hit in the hand by Noah during an argument) Waaah! Mommy! Noah hit me in my nail polish!
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Connor (8): Noah, you should talk to those girls I talked to at Thunder Island, I bet they could talk you into going on that slide.
Noah (6): No! I can't talk to them! They might be too pretty. And I have to marry Adrianna! (Adrianna is Noah's intended from Kindergarten)
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Grandpa (an avid fisherman): Hey Noah, guess what? We're driving through Fish Haven, Idaho. That means it's a heaven for fish!
Noah (6) (not so much an avid fisherman, but very much an avid fan of himself): They should call it Noah Haven, Idaho! And then all the Noahs of the world could meet here. And I could be their King!
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Shelby (3): (getting very frustrated with her DS game) I need some help RIGHT NOW or someone is going to time out!!
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Noah: (6) (complaining after receiving spirals macaroni & cheese for lunch) Waaaah! Don't we have any of the kind that are fake people from TV? The Phineas & Ferb ones taste the best!
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Noah (5): (announcing after he gets off his school bus with his beloved stuffed triceratops) I did NOT like Jackson on the bus today.
Mommy: Why? What happened? Did Jackson bully you?
Noah: No! He bullied my stuffed animal!!
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Mommy: Oh no, Noah, I think you're getting my cold!!
Noah (5): No, I am not, Mommy. I am getting my OWN cold.
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Connor (8): What does obsolete mean?
Mommy: It means old or unusable or inefficient because newer, better things have taken its place.
Connor: Is Grandma obsolete?
~ apologies amongst snickers to Grandma ~
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Mommy: (cleaning litter box with Shelby watching intently)
Shelby (3): Mommy, you're putting poopies away!
Mommy: Ummm, yup, the poopies are going away.
Shelby: (starts the Dora dance)
Mommy: Shelby, what are you doing??
Shelby: I'm doing Dora dance for goodbye poopies!
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Connor (7): When I grow up, I want to be an archaeologist!
Noah (5): I want to drive a garbage truck and make a BIG HUGE GIANT pile of garbage!!
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Daddy: (pointing out Christmas lights as we were driving)
Noah (5): Wowie! Look at THAT one! It looks even better than mud!!
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Mommy: Connor, guess what! I'll pay you TEN dollars to change Shelby's poopie diaper!
Connor (7): Ewww! Mommy, you'd have to pay me FIFTY dollars to do THAT!
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Mommy: (exasperated at how long it takes Noah to put his shoes on) NOAH! Could you BE any slower?!??!
Noah (5): (blinking his big blue eyes sweetly & innocently) You want me to be slower? Why, Mommy?
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Mommy: (singing a Dan Fogelberg love song to Connor)
Connor (7): Mommy, you wouldn't do very well on American Idol.
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Noah: (5) (announcing out-of-the-blue and in a very firm voice) Skeletons should NOT be allowed in movies. That's what I have to say about that.
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Noah: (5) (after observing himself closely in Mommy's makeup mirror and discovering his never-before-noticed freckles) MOMMY! I HAVE POLKA DOTS ON MY FACE!!!
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Daddy: Today I need some boys who aren't going to be whiny.
Noah (4): Who would that be, Daddy?
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Noah: (4) (shrieking) Mommy!!!! My head is wiggling around on top of my neck and it won't stop!!!!!!
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Daddy: (asking Connor if he'd like to go to a football game)
Connor (6): Will there be cheerleaders?
Daddy: Yes, probably.
Connor: Okay then! But I don't want to BE a cheerleader because it's not manly.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A special Christmas treat for you, from us, with love...