Haunted Hayride Revelations

(Could alternatively be titled, "How Family Memories Are Made.")

(Hmmmm, could also alternatively be titled, "Turns Out Mommy Won't Fight Zombies For You, Instead She Will Sacrifice You to the Zombies To Save Herself.")

It was a time of terror.  For them.  And me.  And a time of tears.  For me.  And them.


Revelation Number 1.  We need to toughen Noah up.

Here we are on the way to our long-awaited and much-looked-forward-to family outing to Hilltop Ranch's Haunted Hayride & Maze.  It was all fun and excitement driving there, singing along to Ghostbusters and Monster Mash.  That is, until Thriller came on and ended with its maniacal cackling evil laugh and I announced, "And with that, we're HERE!  Ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!!!"  As you can see from the photo below, Noah went downhill quickly after that.  Shelby, of course, was nonplussed.  For the moment, anyway.  *insert Thriller evil cackling laugh here*

And I suppose me Googling photos of horror movie characters on my iPhone to show the kids beforehand on the ride over probably didn't qualify me for any Mom-of-the Year awards.  But HEY, they asked!!!!  And did you know they made a Freddy vs. Jason movie?  I didn't.  Huh.


Anyway.  Revelation Number 2.  But Noah is seriously the cutest-while-terrified little boy ever.

The Beginning of Revelation Number 3.  Noah may be growing out of his Mommy's Boy stage.

I kept reassuring Noah I'd hold his hand and not let go and would protect him no matter what.  This did NOT reassure him (as you can see from his face in this photo).  Whaaaaaa??????

Revelation Number 4.  My third camera in 2 years blows chunks. 

Nice family photo, eh?  I thought the numskull I asked to take it for us spit on the lens or something.  Until I saw all the photos before and after that, that *I*, the master of photography (ha!) took.  Stupid blurry chunk-blowing camera.

The Finalization of Revelation Number 3.  Noah prefers a friend to his Mommy for comfort and reassurance.

Ungrateful punk Noah decided that Lucas, the little 6 year old on the ride who he met 2 nanoseconds ago, was now his best friend and he wanted to sit by him, NOT by his Mommy!  Noah ditched his Mommy who loves him and would protect him and fight off zombies for him!!  (In the face of mortal danger, this turned out not to be true, but more on that later….)  Anyway, cue the Mommy tears.  Noah doesn't need me anymore…..  *sniff sniff*

Revelation Number 5.  The bad news is, I am not a good Mommy under duress.  The good news is, but I have an excellent sense of SELF-preservation. 

After the first creature jumped out and scared Shelby and I (we were together at this point and holding hands - remember, Noah ditched me), I immediately spun around screaming and literally twirled Shelby through the air, landing her SMACK in FRONT of me, meaning IN BETWEEN me and the creature, like I was offering her up as the sacrifice to save my own petrified self.  What kind of mother DOES that as her first reactionary instinct??!?!?!?

So, for the rest of the haunted walk Shelby blubbered (I really can't blame her) and Mark had to carry her the whole way through.  Bad Mommy was now shunned and was walking at the back of our family pack.

Revelation Number 6.  Connor knows bad stuff and bad words.  Oh, and maybe don't scare the crap out of your autistic kid even if he's begging for it.

Connor knows the names of all the horror movie characters and what they look like.  I have NO idea how!  I know I showed them photos beforehand, but like I said, he and Noah already KNEW who all those characters were!  We don't watch those movies.  I mean, Mark is a bigger horror movie wimp than Noah (for whom Diary of a Wimpy Kid was a horror movie)!! 

Connor attempted to put on a brave front, complaining how dumb this was, yadda yadda yadda, and then he tried to sneak off into the haunted maze portion by himself.  Well, I actually saw him leave, but by this time Connor was being so annoying that I pretended I didn't see him leave and was happily letting him go.  Is that bad??  Anyway, Haunted Hilltop staff guy got mad and made Connor come back. 

Now finally having permission from cranky Haunted Hilltop staff guy to be in the maze, here's macho Connor, sternly interacting with the Saw creature, with his hands on his hips, probably telling it how lame it was.  The creature, shamed at being unable to scare, slunk back into the forest.

Unfortunately, I do NOT have photos of when it all changed for Connor (I had to manufacture one).  After his previous victorious encounter with Saw creature, Connor was emboldened and actually went INTO the forest to taunt the next hiding creature.

However, Connor picked the WRONG CREATURE this time.

Jason creature was NOT intimidated by Connor and ran out of the forest with chainsaw blaring, chasing Connor!  Connor starting running around like a chicken, in circles, flapping his arms wildly and jumping and shrieking, "WHAT THE F!!  WHAT THE F!!  WHAT THE F!!"  At this point, I may have peed my pants a bit. And I don't think it was from Jason chasing my little son with a chainsaw, but more about how does my son know this language???  I was mortified, aghast and laughing all at the same time.  (I mean, the only time I personally use that phrase is when I'm watching The Walking Dead.  Or Real Housewives of Orange County.  And Connor doesn't watch those with me!  I mean, WAIT, I never use that horrible language.  Or watch those horrible shows. oops...)

Anyway, our family became quite the spectacle at this point, with Connor in full-on FREAK OUT mode (we've seen some impressive autism meltdowns in our time, but we have NEVER seen him quite like that), Mark trying to calm Connor down, and me desperately trying to figure out what was going on (remember, I was at the back and didn't see how this all began -  all I heard was a chainsaw and the F word being repeatedly shouted in my wee little 9 year old darling son's voice). And frankly, I don't even know where Shelby and Noah WERE at this juncture.  Maybe Freddy Krueger was babysitting them?!?  I just don't know.


Revelation Number 7.  Don't forget to put jeans, rather than thin cotton pants, on your children when they're going to be sitting on haystacks.

After exiting the hayride (all of us MUCH worse for the wear after what will forever be known in our family as the "Jason Incident"), Shelby jumped off the trailer frantically scratching her tushie, and, to the great amusement of the waiting crowd of people, yelped, "Itchy bum!  Itchy bum!  The hay gave me itchy bum!"

Revelation Number  8.  Maybe next year we should stick to the carved cute and non-threatening pumpkins at Beaver Lake and leave the scary stuff to the … well, to the more brave than us.

I don't think I want to know any more of our family's dark side character flaws.